I've been thinking about this first challenge and it dawned on me that as long as I write this blog privately, I remain safe. Safe from notice, safe from judgment and safe from accountability. I've mentally battled with myself about the whole purpose of this blog. I ask myself, "Is this another one of my things? One of those many silly ideas I get and jump into head first, but then immediately swim back to the shore of reality?" I can hear voices from the past saying, "What's Julie into now?" A question usually accompanied with a head-shake or eye roll.
Okay, I'm a chronic non-finisher. If that's even a word. Yep, I admit it. There should be groups for people like us to meet and find support. Problem is, we would all be at the first meeting, full of energy and excitement - but by the third or fourth, we would all have lost interest and moved on to other things. My sister once told me I can't make decisions. I responded that my problem is actually the opposite of that: I make too many decisions! In college, I majored (a term or two at a time) in almost every major offered. Chemistry (yeah, my brain doesn't work that way), Criminal Justice (I was ready to lay down the law!), Journalism (I was too introverted to ask anyone questions), English (got bored), Education (the students of the world need better than what I could offer), and even Flight Technology (except I couldn't come close to affording the tuition, so that one got dropped before it was even added).
So here's my challenge this week: Let people know about this project and invite them to read along.
It scares me first of all because of what I've already mentioned (my fear of not finishing something yet again) but also because my private thoughts - my process - will be public. I'm going to say stupid stuff. I'm even going to be wrong at times (gasp!). But regardless, I'm putting it all out there to be noticed, read and even judged. Seriously, my hands are sweating right now...Fear of failure; fear of the opinions of others...it's time for you two to go.
Okay. Let's do this.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thoughts on Trust
I just began the book Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I'm only on page 5 and already have to pause my reading to reflect! Manning references an article by John Kavanaugh (America 173, no. 3) about his time at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta:
On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."
She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God."
What a concept! Often have I had the same prayer as Kavanaugh. I tend to think, "If only I had some clarity - then I would trust!" But how contradicting that is. The word trust means to have confidence or to hope, belief, faith. It seems to imply some degree of the unknown. Trust, rather than clear direction, is more a matter of commitment. It does not deny it's circumstances but instead frames those circumstances with the character of God. No where is a better example of this seen than the pen of David in the Psalms:
Psalm 31:13-15 (NIV) For I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side!" They conspire against me and plot to take my life. But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me.
So many times, I want the Lord just to map it all out before me: the right decision to every choice; the best answer to every problem. I ask for him to tell me the next step so that I can take it "in faith" - but, that is faith, isn't it! Taking a step and trusting God with it, when the outcome and sometimes even the step itself is unclear. Lord, I put my trust in you. For this step and every step, clear or not. Be glorified!
Right now, I am considering my first weekly challenge...I have lots of ideas, but am unclear (!) on which to choose... will I make a scene in public (this idea is being met with much enthusiasm from my husband and sister-in-law, as they know how I would rather eat worms than draw the public's negative attention to myself), or maybe go explore a cave (being somewhat claustrophobic, I'm having heart palpitations and sweaty palms at the very thought)...? I only have a few days left to make a decision and take a step, in faith.
Stay tuned!
On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."
She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God."
What a concept! Often have I had the same prayer as Kavanaugh. I tend to think, "If only I had some clarity - then I would trust!" But how contradicting that is. The word trust means to have confidence or to hope, belief, faith. It seems to imply some degree of the unknown. Trust, rather than clear direction, is more a matter of commitment. It does not deny it's circumstances but instead frames those circumstances with the character of God. No where is a better example of this seen than the pen of David in the Psalms:
Psalm 31:13-15 (NIV) For I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side!" They conspire against me and plot to take my life. But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me.
So many times, I want the Lord just to map it all out before me: the right decision to every choice; the best answer to every problem. I ask for him to tell me the next step so that I can take it "in faith" - but, that is faith, isn't it! Taking a step and trusting God with it, when the outcome and sometimes even the step itself is unclear. Lord, I put my trust in you. For this step and every step, clear or not. Be glorified!
Right now, I am considering my first weekly challenge...I have lots of ideas, but am unclear (!) on which to choose... will I make a scene in public (this idea is being met with much enthusiasm from my husband and sister-in-law, as they know how I would rather eat worms than draw the public's negative attention to myself), or maybe go explore a cave (being somewhat claustrophobic, I'm having heart palpitations and sweaty palms at the very thought)...? I only have a few days left to make a decision and take a step, in faith.
Stay tuned!
Monday, February 21, 2011
What in the world am I getting myself into??
Fearless. It's a big word. It evokes almost mystical images of brave knights or commanders of armies. Of revolutionaries who have bravely led a people into freedom without care for their own safety and well-being. Fearless is a word that seems unattainable, impossible for the average human to experience. And yet, over and over, the words "fear not" appear in the Bible. 2 Timothy 1:7 says that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but rather of power, of love, and of a sound mind. I was raised in church but I didn't grasp the possibility and promise of that scripture until recently. What in my life am I allowing to be ruled by fear, instead of the power, love and sound thinking that has been given to me by God? Turns out, a lot.
I've been plagued with fear since childhood. I bet I'm not the only one. It's just that fear sometimes is very, very good at disguising itself as other things: insecurity, the need for control, jealousy, perfectionism, overbearingness and even shyness. At the root of all of these is often fear, holding us back, making us think we are worth less than we are, threatening the ground be ripped from under us. The more I look for it, the more I see fear as the enemy of freedom. But, if we are in Jesus Christ, we are free! As John 8:36 says, "If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!" Fear, I'm on to you. And I'm tired of putting up with your rule in my life.
Last year, I turned 30. About this time, I kept hearing the word "fearless" in my mind. Do you ever have something pop into your head and you think, "Where did that come from?" This is what it was for me, over and over. I thought about the word, and it felt like it was to become the theme of my thirties. Being fearless is really not about denying the feeling of fear. No, being fearless is about trust. Trust that no matter what life throws me, no matter how shaky I feel and despite the threat of calamitous circumstances, that I have firm footing. I have a solid place to stand. No matter what, God is good and his faithfulness is sure. It's about belief that God is who he says he is and that his promises will stand. I've had some experiences in the last year which confirm to me the significance and truth of being fearless which I imagine I will divulge another day. Now I am 31 and I would like to explore it further.
This brings me to my current project: 52 weeks to fearlessness. I plan on spending the next year of my life exploring and examining the link of trust and fearlessness. I'm not talking about the type of fear that is a God-given gift to protect us from legitimate danger. I'm talking about the fear that we inflict on ourselves that holds us back from abundantly living our God-given life! Fear of rejection, of failure, of ridicule. Fear of the unknown or of the different. Even fear of success! Some of these jump out to me - I get that familiar "in the gut" kind of reaction...but some may be lurking deep in my life yet to be discovered. But this is war! I'm planning full-fledged campaign to eradicated these things from my life and learn to depend wholly on the Rock of my salvation. Each week I will give myself a challenge - something that pushes up against my comfort zone to the point of discomfort. Something that addresses in one way or another a fear that I have. I want to see if, when faced with my foe, I have a perception that needs to change. Perhaps I will learn a little something - about myself, about the people and world around me - and about my God.
52 weeks.
52 challenges.
This is my journey to fearlessness.
Lord help me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)