Remembering His Faithfulness, part 1

Almost a year ago, I had a life-changing experience that I would like to take time to share. Because it's almost been a year, I am often recalling it to memory as certain spring-time events remind me of it. It's a long story with a lot of lessons, so I am breaking it up in to several parts. Mostly, I want to retell this story often, as it is a testimony of God's faithfulness and I am so thankful to Him! This is part 1.

In April of last year, because of the Holy Spirit's prompting, I began studying the concept of "Christ in me." It began when I read 2 Corinthians chapter 5 during my daily journaling time and was struck by verse 12: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" That verse then reminded me of another verse, Galatians 2:20: "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." I was practically obsessed with this verse at the time - though I had read it and heard it many times throughout my life, for some reason it struck me in a new and powerful way. I couldn't get it out of my head. For the next few weeks, I continued to look at the Scriptures through this lens. 1 Corinthians 1:24 says, "but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God." When I compared this verse with Galatians 2:20, this is what I saw:

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ (the power of God and the wisdom of God) lives in me.


What a concept! Is this true? Does the power of God and the wisdom of God really live in us? I began to write out a list of where I needed God's power in my life, and areas where I needed His wisdom. Then I went to Ephesians chapter 1, verses 18-22 and read of his "incomparably great power...that power is like the working of his might strength which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead..." The very same power that was strong enough to raise Christ from the dead is accessible to us - to rescue us, to redeem us, to bring new life! I then wrote in my journal the following entry:

1 Corinthians 1:8a "He will keep you strong to the end..."
v. 9 "God, who has called you into fellowship with his son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." 


Faithful means he is trustworthy. I can place full confidence in him.
What does it mean to put full confidence in Jesus; in the Father? What would that look like in my life if I responded to my circumstances (from) a position of confidence? What happens when (instead) I respond in fear, doubt or insecurity?


We are in fellowship with Jesus Christ our Lord, we are also in fellowship with one another - the body of Christ. We are not left alone to face our challenges with nothing but our own strength. As we begin to live lives of trust and confidence in the Lord, we find ourselves doing things we could not imagine before. We begin to operate in strength and stop obsessing over our weaknesses... Sometimes I think "I just don't have it in me." Yes you do! You have even more! Choose to live victoriously!


At the time, as I read and wrote this entry, I was thinking hypothetically about challenges. I wasn't going through anything particularly difficult at the time, but looking back I see it was God-ordained preparation for what was to come. I am now more aware of the importance of "paying attention" to what the Lord may be teaching me in any given moment. All of this was truly preparation for what was to happen next, because the next page in my journal was written a few days later from the hospital.

Wonderfully Different

All in all, this has been a good week. My skin has improved a little and so has my appreciation for my undone face. As the week went on, I gradually moved from embarrassed and even a little ashamed to indifferent to undone to more confident. I thought I was being really creative with my challenge, but after a google search, I found a similar challenge was going on in the "blog world" back in September (see No Makeup Challenge). Women who took up the challenge responded in a variety of ways, but there was a common thread of those who were having a hard time going without. Many of us have become accustomed to feeling that only with makeup are we "pretty" and "acceptable." I've certainly had those feelings, but throughout the week have realized that I have just as many days that I feel good about my looks as I don't - makeup didn't have anything to do with it after all! In a nutshell, here is how I felt this week:

Sunday:
After the initial comment my daughter made that simultaneously encouraged and insulted me (kids are so good at that!) my husband very lovingly said he hadn't even noticed the difference and that I'm always very beautiful. He's a good guy to be married to! I couldn't help but feel different though - as I mentioned, I avoided eye contact and kept moving most of the morning so people wouldn't have time to notice and wonder what's wrong with me!

Monday:
Drove to work showered and appropriately dressed, but feeling like I had just rolled out of bed and was about to enter the office in my pajamas! I can't believe how much a break in routine throws my whole morning off. Received a compliment from the first person who noticed my bare face, so I took a deep breath and decided this would be okay.

Tuesday:
Can't shake the feeling that people are looking at me funny - like the way they look at you when they think you're pregnant, but aren't sure, and decide not to say anything just-in-case. Yep, those are definitely suspicious looks. I pretend not to notice, and laugh and smile an extra amount to make up for the lack of color in my cheeks.

Wednesday:
Still feeling a little like I'm leaving something undone, like leaving my shoelaces untied, but feeling better about my face. Also, I've noticed that good dental hygiene and proper grooming/trimming of eyebrows and nose hairs are very important to the no-makeup face!

Thursday:
I curled my eyelashes today... is that cheating?? I'm getting used to not wearing makeup and starting to accept it, even like it (just a little). I endured the ultimate test today when I got my hair cut and had to sit in the chair and stare at myself in the mirror for over an hour. I think that was worth two days on this challenge at least! It wasn't so bad.

Friday:
Ready to embrace the uniqueness of my own face and features. God created each of us with such creativity - and His creativity is beautiful! I love people-watching. Everyone looks so wonderfully different, so why do I spend so much time (and, ahem, money) trying to look like everyone else? Not to mention, the extra time I've had to spend with my kids in the morning is priceless!

I do like makeup, I think it's fun. But I will definitely be using it for a different reason now. Okay, challenge #3 complete (nearly)! And, to wrap it up, I'm attaching a picture of myself, makeup-free! True beauty does indeed come from the inside, and as my mom told me when I was younger - the best beauty treatment is a smile.

Challenge #3

Today I shaved a good 20 minutes off of my "get ready" time and did something I don't think I've done once since the 9th grade: gone out in public with zero makeup on. I will be walking around naked-faced for the entire week, regardless of what I have to do or where I have to go, or what blemishes may come my way. Not the tiniest dab of concealer or a single swoosh with the mascara wand. Not even tinted lip balm.


Yikes!


Natalie, my 5-year old said to me, "I'm so glad you're not wearing any makeup, Mommy." Pause. "You look tired."  You have no idea.


Can I still feel good about myself when I'm just me - no touch-ups? Or have I bought in to the marketing ploy that has inundated us as a society, that my worth is at least partially dependent on my looks? Blotchy skin is unacceptable, broken capillaries a sin, and dark eye circles - unthinkable! In reality, I know many women who rarely wear makeup. Do I think less of them? On the contrary, I tend to find them beautiful - and brave - as they are obviously very comfortable in their own skin. As Beth Barone has said, "Makeup is nothing but pretty dirt!" And yet, I find myself a little too attached to this pretty dirt.


As I walked in to church this morning, I found myself avoiding eye contact and minimizing interactions with friends because I know I did not look how they are used to seeing me. In reality, probably few people even noticed my change of face. Perhaps if they did, they were thinking I had a cold or just hadn't slept well last night. It helped that since I can't actually see my own face without a mirror, occasionally I just forgot about it. Once I sat down in the pew however and worship began, an interesting thing happened. I felt authentic, so real - here I was, not putting forth a made-up version of myself, but instead coming just as I am to the sanctuary. Singing "all of You is more than enough for all of me" and meaning it. He is enough for ALL of me. Even when all of me is less than the image I am used to portraying. A scripture just came to mind:


Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.  - 2 Corinthians 3:17-18


I don't want to build up my own image - rather, with an "unveiled face" I want to be transformed into his image! 


Please know, this is not to say I have anything against makeup or those who wear it - I'm certain I will happily reapply the bronzer and lipgloss as soon as this week is over. But it is one of those things that has become a crutch for my self-esteem. Something that I need to be just as okay with avoiding as enjoying. It is a matter of controlling my vanity rather than my vanity controlling me. It is a matter of taking a little weight off of that crutch and leaning instead on my Creator, who gives me sure footing.


We'll see how the week goes, and see what my unlined eyes will see!

A New Perspective - A New Woman!

"But because of his great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved. ...For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." - Ephesians 2:4-5, 8-9


I had the opportunity this weekend to see Beth Moore speak at the Tacoma Dome in Washington. It was so great - what a refreshing time to be away and be intentional about seeking the Lord's voice. Although I could pull so many things out of her message as impacting and encouraging, the most powerful moment for me when the first night ended with worship. We were singing one of my favorite worship songs, "In Christ Alone." I couldn't even sing because as I looked down over the 6000+ women worshiping, I was so struck by the beauty of all of those women standing before the throne, redeemed - made pure by Christ alone. There was such a spirit of joy, of thankfulness and of humility. What a gift! We each come to the cross with a lifetime filled with so much grief, regret, turmoil and pain. And yet, because of the love and grace of God through Christ Jesus, we have it all wiped clean. I am a new woman in Christ! Alive and free.

A few years ago, I was standing at a window overlooking roads and highways of downtown Portland. They were filled with cars - busy, everyday people with busy, everyday lives. Suddenly I felt this surge of love for them - there is no other way to describe it. It was as if God was giving me just a glimpse of His heart for all of us. I thought very sincerely, "God, I just love your people! All of them!" And I felt the Lord respond to me, "So, what will you do about it?" It knocked me off my feet. What will I do about it? That one moment set in motion a new path for my life. At times, I've lost sight of the purpose. In fact, if I'm honest, I have been struggling with how this very project fits in to His purpose - or if it fits at all. Am I striving to do or to be something he has not asked of me? Am I looking to fulfill my own agenda or give myself busywork instead of taking real steps of faith that make a difference? But Friday night in the Tacoma Dome watching the thousands of women stand with hands lifted in profound adoration for their Savior, I felt so fulfilled. I realized that when God gave me the word fearless, He did not give it to me as some sort of goal to attain. Instead, He was speaking it over me. Fearless. That is what I am to Him. My past of fear and shame was wiped clean at the cross. I believe every one of those women has been given a new name, just like I have - Clean, Innocent, Warrior, Child, Chosen, Faithful, Whole, New.

What has the Lord spoken over you? I'd love to hear it.

So - what does this mean for this blog? I've been praying about this and believe I am to continue, although in a slightly modified way. I will continue to give myself challenges but I'm going to look to the leading of the Holy Spirit and let them be more impromptu than planned. I think God probably has more interesting challenges than I could come up with anyway! By the way, I did complete my challenge #2 - I had a great conversation with a wonderful woman. It was a little awkward to get started, but worth it to get to know such a dear person. I'm going to try to make it more of a habit to meet and really get to know someone each week - an ongoing challenge!

Challenge #2

It is so tempting to think that I can be done with this project simply because I made it through a single challenge - and yet, 51 remain! I am sitting here with my Bible on one side of the computer and coffee on the other, and thinking about the next baby step I am to take towards fearlessness.

For you extroverts, this will seem silly. I suppose most of my challenges would be silly to anyone other than myself. But that's okay - in fact, I guess that's partly the point. I don't want to be afraid to be who God created me to be because only then can I do what God created me to do! My life's purpose is to bring Him glory - and to do that, I need to let go of myself a little (or maybe a lot!). So, this week's challenge is simple, but nonetheless a real challenge to me: I will introduce myself and start a conversation with a stranger.

I used to think that the ability to talk at ease with people was a talent - either you have it or you don't. It's much easier to tell myself that and be nice and comfortable with staying inside my little insulated shell then to speak up and be vulnerable. But I'm realizing conversation is also a skill, one that I can acquire with a little practice; so long as I do just that - practice. Perhaps if I forget about myself for just a few minutes and focus on engaging another person, I will find it is not so difficult after all.

Or maybe I'll become a hermit.

Not alone!

"We all have insecurities. They piggyback on the vulnerability inherent in our humanity. The question is whether or not our insecurities are substantial enough to hurt, limit, or even distract us from profound effectiveness or fulfillment of purpose... Are our insecurities snuffing the Spirit until our gifts, for all practical purposes, are largely unproductive or, at the very least tentative?" (Beth Moore, So Long, Insecurity p. 15)

This week started off a little emotionally bumpy. I was afraid to put my own vulnerabilities into words; even more afraid to openly put them out there before an audience. "What do they think of me now?" I thought to myself. It's amazing how alone we can feel when we keep those secret fears, worries and emotions locked up and hidden away. Only when we take the risk to expose our struggles to others do we have a chance to recognize these are common battles we fight. Expression can be the starting point of healing, of overcoming and of connecting. Openness with others leaves means a chance for hurt, but it also means a chance for real love and acceptance. It is the beauty and the pain of relationship.

This week, I've been so surprised by the feedback I've received from people who have read this blog. I am not alone! Fear and insecurity is something shared by all of us, although it may manifest in different ways. The fear of what people might think is especially a tricky one, since it can be so incredibly subtle - even fooling us for "wisdom" or "humility" at times. When I read the above quote from Beth Moore's book last year, it really struck a chord. Okay, I have insecurities. I am not a perfect human and I accept that. But am I allowing my insecurities to have the final word, instead of measuring them to the power of God? What has He asked me to do that instead of taking a step of faith, I hold back in fear? Am I missing out on the abundant and adventurous life of freedom that He bought for me with His own life?

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1


We are in this together. I am praying that God will continue to untangle my yoke of fear, loosing it's hold on me more and more until I am able to fully live the life Christ has called me to live. I'm praying for you too, because as we become free an amazing thing happens - so do others! It's a struggle, but it's "the good fight" (1 Tim 4:7). I am so encouraged to continue running this race and see what else I will learn. Thank you for cheering me on!

Love vs. Fear

Two days ago, with trembling hands and shortness of breath, I published the link to my blog on Facebook. It was pretty ridiculous how vulnerable I felt doing that very small thing. But the more I think about it, maybe it was no small thing.

As I've thought over my upcoming potential challenges, I've noticed a common thread amongst the majority of them. Nearly all of fears I'm looking to confront boil down to a singular fear: the fear of what people might think of me. What a self-absorbed fear to have. At the realization of that, I instantly developed a new fear: the fear of becoming self-absorbed. And how ironic that in order to defeat the self-absorption I would write a entirely self-absorbed blog! Waves of shame rolled in and out as I thought of the implications - Am I a terrible person? Am I hopelessly emotional and border-line crazy?? Maybe I can't handle this. The mind is sometimes a mine field - and fear, whether it is a full-blown phobia or a much more subtle insecurity, has a dizzying way of talking oneself into and out all kinds of rationalizations and excuses to give up and quit. It's quite oppressive and yet oh-so-charming, isn't it?

Yesterday, I came across 1 Corinthians 13, the chapter in the Bible that some have nicknamed "The Love Chapter." Verse 4 begins those familiar words, "Love is patient, love is kind..." Remembering how I had been taught that God is in fact Love (1 John 4:16), I wrote the series of verses in my journal replacing each word love with you as a type of prayer to the Lord.

You are patient, you are kind. You do not envy, you do not boast, you are not proud. You are not rude, you are not self-seeking. You are not easily angered and you keep no record of wrongs. You do not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. You always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. You, Lord, never fail.


I wrote those words and then read them back silently to myself, almost unfeeling at first. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't feeling much because maybe it was just so hard to believe that God really has that kind of love for me. I think I've always believed He loves me, but writing it in this way was so descriptive; so specific. Not easily angered? Always trusts and hopes? For me?

Maybe, for some reason, I have found it much easier to trust God with my circumstances than to trust Him with my worth.

I'm reminded of something I saw several weeks ago, as I drove to work on a rainy and windy morning. Driving down a busy road, I noticed in the bike lane a man and a boy on bicycles. The man also had a toddler or preschooler in a child-seat attached to the back of his bike. All three were wearing bright yellow ponchos to protect them (somewhat) from the pouring and gusting rain. While stopped at an intersection, the child on the seat curled up tight and tucked in as close as he could to his dad's back to further protect himself from the rain. The dad then reached one arm around behind him to hold the child's head in close. When the light turned green, he didn't move his arm but began to bike down the road with one hand on his handlebars and one hand holding on to his young child. Watching them, the thought popped in my head, "What a wonderful thing to have a father!" The father was doing the work, pedaling and maneuvering the wet and busy street. All that little one had to do was tuck in closely to his father, easily trusting in his dad's ability to get them to their destination safely, all the while being comforted by his presence. The older son was on his bike pedaling on his own, but remaining right behind his father for safety and direction.

That is just like our Heavenly Father's love! He knows who we are and what we are capable of right here and now. Just like the dad on the bike who did not shame his young child for not pedaling on his own or even for curling up close to stay dry, God does not shame us. He protects us and guides us so that when we are ready, we can begin to pedal on our own. I need that love! We all do. The beautiful thing is that it's already available and offered to us. How we need to know we have that love!

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." - 1 John 4:18
"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." - John 15:13

Thank you, Jesus!

Challenge #1

I've been thinking about this first challenge and it dawned on me that as long as I write this blog privately, I remain safe. Safe from notice, safe from judgment and safe from accountability. I've mentally battled with myself about the whole purpose of this blog. I ask myself, "Is this another one of my things? One of those many silly ideas I get and jump into head first, but then immediately swim back to the shore of reality?" I can hear voices from the past saying, "What's Julie into now?" A question usually accompanied with a head-shake or eye roll.

Okay, I'm a chronic non-finisher. If that's even a word.  Yep, I admit it. There should be groups for people like us to meet and find support. Problem is, we would all be at the first meeting, full of energy and excitement - but by the third or fourth, we would all have lost interest and moved on to other things.  My sister once told me I can't make decisions. I responded that my problem is actually the opposite of that: I make too many decisions! In college, I majored (a term or two at a time) in almost every major offered. Chemistry (yeah, my brain doesn't work that way), Criminal Justice (I was ready to lay down the law!), Journalism (I was too introverted to ask anyone questions), English (got bored), Education (the students of the world need better than what I could offer), and even Flight Technology (except I couldn't come close to affording the tuition, so that one got dropped before it was even added).

So here's my challenge this week: Let people know about this project and invite them to read along.

It scares me first of all because of what I've already mentioned (my fear of not finishing something yet again) but also because my private thoughts - my process - will be public. I'm going to say stupid stuff. I'm even going to be wrong at times (gasp!). But regardless, I'm putting it all out there to be noticed, read and even judged. Seriously, my hands are sweating right now...Fear of failure; fear of the opinions of others...it's time for you two to go.

Okay. Let's do this.

Thoughts on Trust

I just began the book Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I'm only on page 5 and already have to pause my reading to reflect! Manning references an article by John Kavanaugh (America 173, no. 3) about his time at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta:

On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."
She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God."


What a concept! Often have I had the same prayer as Kavanaugh. I tend to think, "If only I had some clarity - then I would trust!" But how contradicting that is. The word trust means to have confidence or to hope, belief, faith. It seems to imply some degree of the unknown. Trust, rather than clear direction, is more a matter of commitment. It does not deny it's circumstances but instead frames those circumstances with the character of God. No where is a better example of this seen than the pen of David in the Psalms:

Psalm 31:13-15 (NIV) For I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side!" They conspire against me and plot to take my life. But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me.

So many times, I want the Lord just to map it all out before me: the right decision to every choice; the best answer to every problem. I ask for him to tell me the next step so that I can take it "in faith" - but, that is faith, isn't it! Taking a step and trusting God with it, when the outcome and sometimes even the step itself is unclear. Lord, I put my trust in you. For this step and every step, clear or not. Be glorified!

Right now, I am considering my first weekly challenge...I have lots of ideas, but am unclear (!) on which to choose... will I make a scene in public (this idea is being met with much enthusiasm from my husband and sister-in-law, as they know how I would rather eat worms than draw the public's negative attention to myself), or maybe go explore a cave (being somewhat claustrophobic, I'm having heart palpitations and sweaty palms at the very thought)...? I only have a few days left to make a decision and take a step, in faith.

Stay tuned!

What in the world am I getting myself into??

Fearless. It's a big word. It evokes almost mystical images of brave knights or commanders of armies. Of revolutionaries who have bravely led a people into freedom without care for their own safety and well-being. Fearless is a word that seems unattainable, impossible for the average human to experience. And yet, over and over, the words "fear not" appear in the Bible. 2 Timothy 1:7 says that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but rather of power, of love, and of a sound mind. I was raised in church but I didn't grasp the possibility and promise of that scripture until recently. What in my life am I allowing to be ruled by fear, instead of the power, love and sound thinking that has been given to me by God? Turns out, a lot.

I've been plagued with fear since childhood. I bet I'm not the only one. It's just that fear sometimes is very, very good at disguising itself as other things: insecurity, the need for control, jealousy, perfectionism, overbearingness and even shyness. At the root of all of these is often fear, holding us back, making us think we are worth less than we are, threatening the ground be ripped from under us. The more I look for it, the more I see fear as the enemy of freedom. But, if we are in Jesus Christ, we are free! As John 8:36 says, "If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!" Fear, I'm on to you. And I'm tired of putting up with your rule in my life.

Last year, I turned 30. About this time, I kept hearing the word "fearless" in my mind. Do you ever have something pop into your head and you think, "Where did that come from?" This is what it was for me, over and over. I thought about the word, and it felt like it was to become the theme of my thirties. Being fearless is really not about denying the feeling of fear. No, being fearless is about trust. Trust that no matter what life throws me, no matter how shaky I feel and despite the threat of calamitous circumstances, that I have firm footing. I have a solid place to stand. No matter what, God is good and his faithfulness is sure. It's about belief that God is who he says he is and that his promises will stand. I've had some experiences in the last year which confirm to me the significance and truth of being fearless which I imagine I will divulge another day. Now I am 31 and I would like to explore it further. 

This brings me to my current project: 52 weeks to fearlessness. I plan on spending the next year of my life exploring and examining the link of trust and fearlessness. I'm not talking about the type of fear that is a God-given gift to protect us from legitimate danger. I'm talking about the fear that we inflict on ourselves that holds us back from abundantly living our God-given life! Fear of rejection, of failure, of ridicule. Fear of the unknown or of the different. Even fear of success! Some of these jump out to me - I get that familiar "in the gut" kind of reaction...but some may be lurking deep in my life yet to be discovered. But this is war! I'm planning full-fledged campaign to eradicated these things from my life and learn to depend wholly on the Rock of my salvation. Each week I will give myself a challenge - something that pushes up against my comfort zone to the point of discomfort. Something that addresses in one way or another a fear that I have. I want to see if, when faced with my foe, I have a perception that needs to change. Perhaps I will learn a little something - about myself, about the people and world around me - and about my God.

52 weeks.

52 challenges.

This is my journey to fearlessness.

Lord help me.